When the Holidays Are Complicated
We live in a culture that tends to paint this time of year in glitter and gold, with cheerful music, cozy family photos, festive gatherings, and messages everywhere that this is supposed to be a time of joy and togetherness. And for some people at certain times in their lives, it is.
But sometimes, the holidays can bring up grief, loneliness, tension, overwhelm, and even dread.
If that’s you this year, I just want to say that you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.
The “Supposed To” Season
This season often brings a long list of “supposed to’s.” You’re “supposed to” enjoy being with family. You’re “supposed to” feel grateful. You’re “supposed to” buy gifts, bake cookies, show up at every gathering, and feel happy doing all of it.
But what happens when you don’t feel like doing any of that? What if your family dynamic is complicated? What if this is your first (or fifth) holiday without someone you love? What if the social pressure, sensory overload, or travel logistics feel more exhausting than exciting?
The holidays can be hard in ways that aren’t always visible, and they can stir up emotions that don’t fit neatly into the stereotypical holiday narrative.
Sometimes we underestimate just how much old stuff (e.g. memories, family roles, unmet expectations) gets activated during the holiday season. Maybe you find yourself feeling small around certain relatives. Maybe there’s unspoken tension that fills the room the minute you arrive. Maybe you’re watching other people seem joyful and wondering why you can’t just feel the same.
There’s usually a reason behind those feelings. It’s not just that you’re being dramatic or ungrateful. Your body carries stories., and the holidays can bring those stories right to the surface.
Whatever you’re feeling, there’s room for all of it. You don’t have to override your actual feelings just because the calendar says it’s time to be festive. Maybe if you make space for the challenging emotions you are experiencing, you will find that there also can be space for some moments of enjoyment or peace, even if those times feel few and far between.
A Few Things That Might Help:
You don’t need to “fix” all your feelings, but you can take steps to take care of yourself during this season:
Name what’s hard. Sometimes just saying out loud, “This time of year is hard for me,” can offer a surprising amount of relief, and can decrease the pressure you might feel to pretend that everything is okay.
Give yourself permission to do less. You’re allowed to skip a gathering, leave early, or say no to something that feels like too much.
Make space for what you need. Whether that’s quiet time, movement, connection with chosen family, or silly distractions—whatever helps, even a little, is valid.
Keep elements of your routine that feel supportive. The holiday season can often disrupt our routines. Sometimes this can be helpful (like a much-needed break from work or school), but sometimes we don’t realize how much parts of our routine can actually help us. Keeping some elements during the holiday season (like a sleep and eating schedule, quiet time that you enjoy, etc.) can be really helpful.
Let feelings be mixed. You can laugh and also feel sad. You can enjoy a meal and still miss someone. You don’t have to pick one emotion and stay in it. Let both come up at once, even if that feels strange at times.
How Therapy Can Support You
If you’re in therapy, this season can be a good time to bring up anything that’s coming up for you—memories, anxiety, dread, grief, or the overwhelm of trying to do it all. Therapy can give you a space to slow down, notice what you’re carrying, and get curious about where some of those feelings come from. You can also explore what boundaries you might need, things you can do to help the holidays feel more like yours, or how to care for yourself before, during, and after the harder moments.
A Final Thought
If the holidays feel hard for you, it’s not because doing it wrong. It’s because you’re a human who has lived through things and is still sorting some of them out. And that’s okay.
This season doesn’t have to be perfect, and regardless of how it goes, it will soon be over. And maybe there can be one or two small things that bring a little peace or joy as well.
Wishing you some positive moments this holiday season!
