Healing What You Didn’t Choose: A Look at Intergenerational Trauma
Have you ever found yourself reacting to something in a way that felt bigger than it should be? Or carrying a kind of heaviness you can't quite explain? Maybe certain family dynamics keep repeating themselves, generation after generation, no matter how hard everyone tries to change. These are some of the quiet signals of intergenerational trauma—a kind of emotional inheritance we didn’t ask for, but often find ourselves holding.
So what is intergenerational trauma?
In simple terms, it’s the way trauma can be passed down through families, not just through stories or behavior, but also through the nervous system. You might be carrying echoes of your parents’ or grandparents’ experiences, even if they never talked about them. This could be trauma from war, displacement, abuse, poverty, addiction, or systemic oppression. Sometimes it shows up in the body through chronic anxiety, a sense of not being safe, or difficulty connecting with others. Sometimes it shows up in beliefs, like “I have to be strong all the time,” or “People will always leave.”
These patterns can feel baked into who we are, but they aren’t your fault and they aren’t set in stone.
Why does it happen?
When something overwhelming happens, especially if it’s repeated or if support is unavailable, our brains and bodies adapt to survive. These adaptations can be brilliant in the moment: shutting down feelings, scanning for danger, doing whatever it takes to stay connected to others. But when those adaptations get passed down (through behavior, attachment, and even genetics), they can start to feel more like burdens than tools. You might find yourself reacting to things your body remembers, even if you don’t.
If no one had the safety, resources, or permission to process their trauma, the cycle keeps moving forward, from one generation to the next.
For those who prefer a more scientific explanation, consider this:
What we are talking about here is epigenetics. This is the science of how our environment and experiences can influence how our genes are expressed, sort of like dimmer switches that can turn certain genes up or down without changing the underlying DNA. When someone lives through trauma, their body may adapt in ways that help them survive: staying hyper-alert, shutting down emotions, or bracing for danger. These adaptations can leave a kind of imprint on the stress-response system, and research shows that those imprints can sometimes be passed down to future generations.
But genes are not destiny. Just because your body inherited a certain sensitivity doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it forever. With awareness, support, and healing practices—like therapy, nervous system regulation, and safe relationships—those dimmer switches can shift again. You can literally begin to rewire what gets passed down. More on this later.
A metaphor: the family water well
Imagine your family’s emotional life is a shared water well. Maybe something happened generations ago—something that dropped a heavy stone into that well. The water ripples, and over time, those ripples become part of the water itself. You go to draw a bucket, and the water might carry bitterness, tension, or sadness—even though you never saw the stone fall. Working through intergenerational trauma means learning to purify that water, to understand what’s yours and what was handed down, and to make different choices about what you pass on.
Why working through it matters
Sometimes it can feel like dynamics stemming from intergenerational trauma are unavoidable, or like they are reasons to not have hope, but this isn’t true. The past does shape your present, but your present can shape your future (and future generations) in positive ways. If you can heal, you can change many parts of your life — your relationships, your sense of safety, how much joy you can hold, how quickly you brace for disappointment, etc. Healing can mean becoming a cycle-breaker, giving those positive changes to yourself, and passing on those positive patterns to future generations.
How healing begins
Healing looks different for everyone, but it usually starts with noticing. Noticing the patterns that show up again and again — in your thoughts, your body, your behaviors, and your relationships. Noticing what stories live in your family, and also what wasn’t said.
Therapy can help you slow down and understand these patterns. Together with a therapist, you can explore:
Where these reactions might have come from
How your body learned to protect you
What you want to carry forward, and what you’re ready to lay down
Sometimes therapy is about grieving what you didn’t get. Sometimes it’s about practicing something new: being vulnerable, setting boundaries, letting yourself rest. It’s not about “fixing” you—it’s about helping you meet yourself with more compassion and context, and begin to change those “dimmer switches” to ones that are right for you.
A few things to remember:
You didn’t cause this—but you have the power to change your relationship with it.
Even if you don’t know your full family story, your body might still be carrying pieces of it.
You don’t have to do it all at once. Small shifts matter.
You are allowed to want something different. Just because something’s familiar doesn’t mean it’s your destiny.
You are not alone. This work can be hard, but it is also sacred. And there’s support out there to help you through it.
Final thoughts
Somewhere in your lineage, someone (likely multiple someones) made it through something incredibly hard, and you are here as proof. But survival isn’t the only option anymore. Healing is possible.
You get to choose what you carry forward—and what you gently set down.
