It’s Okay to Say Something: Navigating Misunderstandings in Therapy
Therapy is meant to help you heal, but sometimes you might leave a session feeling confused, hurt, or even upset with your therapist. These moments can be scary or uncomfortable, but they have a name: ruptures.
A rupture is simply a moment when the connection between you and your therapist feels strained or broken. For example, maybe your therapist said something that missed the mark or made you feel judged, leaving you feeling unheard or misunderstood. These experiences are actually quite common – in fact, many therapists say that in “good therapy” it’s normal to spend time repairing miscommunications, disagreements, or misunderstandings (see here and here for examples).
In other words, these bumps in the road can happen in any relationship, even the one you have with your therapist. Sometimes, it can actually be a positive thing, because unlike many of the other experiences in our lives where things are missed, in therapy we often can create a different opportunity to repair the rupture, and this can lead to an even stronger connection than we had before the rupture occurred.
What Are Therapy Ruptures?
A rupture can feel like many things. Essentially, it’s any moment you feel a disconnect with your therapist. Some common examples include:
Feeling misunderstood or unheard. Maybe you felt your therapist didn’t grasp something important you were saying, or they seemed distracted by something else.
Feeling judged or criticized. Perhaps a question or comment they made left you feeling shamed or upset.
Your concerns not being addressed. You might feel they’re missing your main point or focusing on the “wrong” issue.
Mismatches in style or values. Sometimes the way your therapist communicates or their background might feel very different from yours, and it can create tension.
Each of these scenarios – misunderstandings, miscommunication, or clashes in personality or values – can create a rupture. Even though they feel difficult, they don’t mean therapy has failed; they mean there’s an opportunity to deepen understanding. Experiencing and repairing these “miscommunications, disagreements, and ruptures” is actually vital to how good therapy works.
Why It’s Hard to Speak Up
I know it can be really hard to bring up when you are experiencing a rupture — and that’s okay! You might worry, “What if I’m overreacting?” or “Will my therapist think I’m being difficult?” These fears are completely understandable. Many people share a deep fear of judgment when talking to professionals and/or to people in general.
These feelings of fear or uncertainty are normal. It can even feel strange to challenge someone with whom you’ve hopefully been building a trusting relationship. But acknowledge that courage too: even wondering about it means you care about the relationship. You’re not alone in feeling this way.
What Happens When You Bring Up a Rupture
If you do decide to name the issue, a caring therapist will ideally respond with curiosity and warmth. This is the beginning of repair. The therapist will listen carefully as you explain what hurt or confused you. They’ll validate your feelings (for example, “I can see how that comment might have felt dismissive, and I’m sorry”) and may clarify what they meant, if that is something you might find helpful. This process is often called “repair” or reattunement – it’s the moment you both reconnect and get back on the same page.
When this happens, it can be really powerful. Research shows that repair attempts, when done well, actually strengthen the therapy relationship (see here).
“Unlike some other experiences, in therapy we can create an opportunity to repair the rupture, leading to an even stronger connection than we had before the rupture occurred.”
By talking through a rupture, your therapist is modeling how conflicts can be resolved with curiosity and respect. This can become a “skills-generating” experience: as you and your therapist navigate the disagreement, you are practicing conflict resolution skills that you can use in other relationships outside of therapy. It is also a great way to build confidence that you can bring up challenges in relationships even when it feels hard.
Why Addressing Ruptures Matters
It might seem easier to pretend nothing happened – but ignoring a rupture usually causes more harm in the long run. Unspoken hurts can fester, and you might start to feel distant or resentful in therapy. Sometimes people even think about ending therapy because of a rupture. If you avoid the issue, you risk missing the very opportunities therapy provides — “running away“ when therapy is painful can mean missing exactly the moments that can lead to growth. By speaking up, you give yourself and your therapist the chance to repair and to practice trust. This not only helps in that moment, but it also shows you that it’s okay to advocate for your needs.
A Final Note
When it comes down to it, therapy is a relationship between two humans that are working toward the same goal (your healing). Since we are both people with our own blind spots and triggers, it might be unavoidable for missteps to happen at some point, as much as we both want to avoid them.
If you’re one of my clients, I encourage you to acknowledge the fears that come up and also to try to still bring up the rupture. If it feels hard to bring it up in session, you are also welcome to send me an email. I want to know when we have had a missed connection or when you feel unheard or misunderstood, and for us to have the chance to find a way to move forward. As a human, I know I make mistakes, and I always appreciate the opportunity to learn from them and find a way to better work with you as your therapist.
