Toxic Positivity: Why It Hurts More Than It Helps (And What to Do Instead)
I’m sure you’ve heard it before—“Just think positive!” or “Look on the bright side!” While these phrases seem harmless, they can actually be part of something more damaging: toxic positivity.
At its core, toxic positivity is the idea that we should always focus on the positive, no matter what we’re feeling or what we are experiencing in our lives. It’s the belief that negative emotions are something to avoid or push away, rather than something to understand and sit with. And while being optimistic has its place, forcing positivity can invalidate our real emotions, create pressure to perform happiness, and make us feel disconnected from our true selves.
What Exactly Is Toxic Positivity?
“Toxic positivity is the idea that we should always focus on the positive, no matter what we’re feeling or what we are experiencing in our lives. ”
Toxic positivity is more than just staying positive—it’s the overgeneralization of a happy, upbeat attitude, no matter what’s happening. It’s when people respond to someone’s pain or struggle with phrases like “Good vibes only!” or “It could be worse.” These responses might come from good intentions, but they leave no room for the full range of human emotions. They imply that the only acceptable feeling is happiness, and everything else is something to hide or ignore.
It’s like trying to cover up a crack in the wall with a coat of paint—the underlying issue is still there, but now it’s hidden beneath a layer of forced positivity.
Why Toxic Positivity Is Harmful
When we lean too heavily into toxic positivity, we risk sending a message (to ourselves or others) that certain emotions are wrong. And that’s a problem because all emotions serve a purpose—even the difficult ones.
It invalidates real emotions. When someone shares that they’re struggling and the response is “Just stay positive,” it can make them feel unheard and dismissed. It sends the message that their pain isn’t valid, and they should just “snap out of it.” This can deepen feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and even shame about experiencing emotions that are a normal part of life.
It creates emotional pressure. When we’re told we should be positive all the time, we start to feel like we’re failing if we can’t maintain that constant cheerfulness. Life is full of ups and downs, and feeling sad, angry, or anxious is completely normal. Trying to force ourselves to stay positive 24/7 is exhausting and unrealistic.
It blocks growth. Emotions like sadness, anger, and grief are signals that something needs our attention. When we deny or avoid them, we miss the opportunity to learn and grow from what those feelings are trying to tell us. Emotional avoidance might give temporary relief, but it can lead to bigger problems down the road, like anxiety, depression, or unresolved grief.
It damages relationships. If you’re always met with a “just be happy” response when sharing a difficult experience, you might stop opening up altogether. This creates a wall in relationships because true connection comes from vulnerability and being able to share the full range of emotions—not just the positive ones.
What to Do Instead
So, if toxic positivity isn’t the answer, what should we be doing instead? It’s all about finding balance. Rather than trying to override negative emotions with forced positivity, we can allow ourselves (and others) to experience the full range of human feelings while still holding space for hope.
Embrace emotional validation. When someone shares that they’re feeling sad, anxious, or frustrated, respond with something like, “That sounds really tough, I’m here for you.” You don’t need to have all the answers or “fix” their feelings. Just acknowledging that it’s okay to feel that way is incredibly powerful.
Practice self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself when you’re going through a hard time. It’s okay not to be okay. Instead of forcing yourself to feel better, try asking yourself what you need in that moment. Maybe it’s some rest, a talk with a friend, or just allowing yourself to cry it out.
Create space for all emotions. Instead of running from discomfort, try sitting with it. This doesn’t mean you have to wallow in negativity, but allowing yourself to feel emotions like sadness or frustration without judgment is key. Emotions are like waves—they rise, peak, and eventually pass. Therapy can be a great space for this!
Find a healthy balance of hope and honesty. It’s okay to look for silver linings, but not at the expense of denying what’s really going on. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can acknowledge the struggle while still holding onto hope for the future. For example, you might say to yourself, “This is really hard, and I’m struggling right now, but I know I’ll get through it.”
Final Thoughts
Life is messy, and we’re all going to face moments of difficulty. Pretending that everything is fine when it’s not is like slapping a band-aid on a deep wound—it might look better for a moment, but it doesn’t heal what’s underneath. By embracing the full spectrum of emotions, we allow ourselves to live more authentically and create deeper connections with others.
So next time you catch yourself or someone else slipping into toxic positivity, pause. Instead of rushing to “fix” the feeling, consider that the most healing thing we can do is simply acknowledge it. It’s okay to not always be okay—because that’s part of being human.
I hope this helps shed some light on toxic positivity and how we can all learn to embrace a more compassionate and balanced approach to our emotions. If this resonates with you, or if you have your own experiences to share, I’d love to hear your thoughts!
